21st February 2000
Hi all,
A lot of people ask me what I think will be happening over the next year. Honestly, they do... sometimes... and never to the above e-mail address, but undettered I will give you some insight into what will happen in the world this year. Therefore I am proud to present...
YEAR 2000 BIZARRE STRATEGIC TRENDS
Australian soap opera Neighbours will finally cash in on their prize asset, and launch a series of both cuddly and porcelain figures of the (now departed) dog Bouncer. A prototype of the cuddly dog will be displayed at http://www.cuddly-bouncer.com.au - the site will also enable you to pre-order the dog by credit card. They will also cash in on everyone's least favourite character Hannah Martin. That will be seen online at http://www.annoyinglittlegirl.com.au/dartboard.htm
Closer to home the village of Law will now come under the rule of the extremely clever... dog, Cookie. Under the rule of His Royal Highness Cookie I people will be required to greet each other up jumping up at one another, licking their hands and sniffing their jeans.
Radio One's top lads, Mark and Lard, will get the universal acclaim they deserve and everyone will walk around their workplaces all day putting up with all sorts of nonsense by reminding themselves that they "Musn't grumble".
Given problems of lost luggage international airports will ban the use of suitcases. Everyone will now have to travel with a cloth bag tied to a stick (a la Dick Whittington).
Traffic Lights which commonly experience power failures will be fitted with proper back-up power systems. Also lights which are prone to show a red light for a long time will also will have another display which will show the words, "Take it out of gear, you're here for a while buddy". There will also be a secondary display which will say "Don't even think about putting it in first gear."
Sunday drivers will have to put a distinguishing feature on their cars to warn other drivers. It is thought that this will involve their car being surrounded by a red glow (a la the old Reddy Brek adverts). Cars will also be pre-programmed to veer into lay-bys to let other regular drivers past.
Michael Schumacher will not win the Formula 1 World Championship.
Neither will David Coulthard.
Mobile phones will become so widespread that companies will no longer give them to employees for any purpose. Instead every employee will be provided with a cordless yoghurt pot.
Children will be given further power, as those schools which do not have a set uniform will send children home if they have been forced to wear anything brown.
Directors will start making films where Leonardo DiCaprio dies again.
Governments will give up the misconception that everyone driving a car into work is stupid and that public transport is a valid option for commuters (now that would be bizarre).
I hope that you all now feel suitably equipped to tackle the year ahead. If you are aware of any other trends please send them to us.
CONGRATULATIONS TO those wonderful artistic people, the Swiss. While America has set soap operas amid rich neighbourhoods, Australia in middle class neighbourhoods and us Brits in downtrodden areas of London, Manchester and Liverpool those loveable Swiss have started a soap opera set in... a chocolate factory. I can see it now, "Oh no, we've run out of tin-foil!" Brilliant.
NO CONGRATULATIONS TO former Los Angeles Raider Lester Hayes. Lester managed to lose his Super Bowl XVIII ring, his prize for helping the Raiders beat the Washington Redskins in American Football's premier occasion sixteen years ago. Okay, but why be so harsh on someone who just lost an old piece of jewellery? Plenty of other people do it, right? Yes, but not everyone has pawned and then only remember it when they see it being auctioned on e-Bay! That is literally an expensive mistake - the ring ended up being sold for $18,200 (court actions pending, naturally).
Have a good week!
TonyMain Archives
