7th February 2000
Hi all,
Well it is another one of my weeks off... and I'm pleased to let Neil Taylor loose on you. Neil... you're on lad!!!
Hi...as I was working hard (as you do on a Friday !?) I stumbled across a site calle "The Page of Reduced Sanity". Not that I am suggesting this describes myself (I thought it was your homepage!!! - TD), I found it mildly amusing......
Firstly Five essential elements required for a car chase scene......
- A market. Never attempt a high speed car chase if not in the vicinity of a large market. No sucessful chase is complete without the obligatory barrel of fruit (usually watermelons) which must be knocked over spilling the rotund mechandise over the road, preferably causing chaos and delay to the persuing vehicle.
- Parked cars. Usually, the passenger in a parked car will open his or her door at the exact moment the pursuit passes them, dramatically ripping it from its hinges.
- A winding mountain pass. Even if the chase begins in central London, a suitable mountain road must be found, complete with 400 foot drops and blind corners. This inevitably results in one of the two vehicles tumbling into the gulley and exploding.
- A gate or barrier. In order to emphasize the sheer power and speed of the cars involved, the leading vehicle should crash through at least one barrier, such as that on a lifting bridge. This will allow a spectacular jump and escape for the leader and often an embrassing fall for those in pursuit.
- A juggernaut (carrying explosive liquid). This is necessary to thwart any attempt to overtake, which will only occur on a blind corner (see 3). Any overtaking will therefore result in a huge explosion.
Very important set of stuff this - How to Avoid Alien Abduction.....
- Never sleep in a room which has french windows. In the event of an abduction, these will unlock and fly open leaving you exposed to be sucked out and away.
- Eat radishes. It has been proven that, in the same way that garlic scares vampires, Aliens are terrified of radish-eaters.
- Keep your mouth closed. There is a growing trend among younger Aliens to leap down the throat of an unsuspecting human. Contrary to popular belief, this is nothing to do with mind control or laying eggs, and is usually the result of a dare. The parents of young Aliens will then have to abduct the human in order to retreive their child.
- Wear sunglasses at all times, even whilst sleeping. Aliens rely on bright lights to intimidate abductees, and this is an effective counter measure. The Blues Brothers knew this long before anyone else and would never remove their shades, even at night. While they did manage to avoid abduction, they ended up bruised from constantly walking into things. There is another danger in this stratedgy, however, which is that you may be mistaken for an Alien yourself. This is most likely if you're a four-foot tall naturist and wear a pair of wrap-arounds.
(This explains why Neil wears sunglasses all the time - I just thought he was trying to be Will Smith's less-famous brother! - TD).
- Offer to sell them things. Have with you at all times a few brochures for kitchens or windows. When abducted, launch into a huge sales pitch telling them just how much their saucer needs double glazing for those long, cold space nights. Bring a tape measure and start sizing up the galley for a refitting, just to show you mean it. In no time at all you will be sent straight back where you came from.
- Run away. Although this may seem obvious, most aliens are at quite a disadvantage in this area. Many have extremely small legs and watching them run can be quite comical, or they have a single slimy foot which they are often embarrassed to use in public.
tHe PagE oF rEdUced sAnity - can be found at
http://pages.zoom.co.uk/wombat20/rs
Have a good week......check the above out!!!!!
Neil
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