28th August 2006
Hi all,
Random drivel that passed through my mind while I wondered what exactly made me spend ?3.59 on the T'Pau CD "Bridge of Spies" on eBay (the answer is actually a cracking album track called "Monkey House", which I unashamedly recommend).
Let's be honest, Wyclef Jean could rap his way through his shopping list and still sound cool. By the way, I don't know why the CIA want to watch the Colombians and Haitians either.
Okay, can someone explain the concept of the Bon Jovi "Always" video to me? Bloke cheats on his girlfriend, driving her away and into a rebound induced fling with a sleazy artist. He finds out, gets jealous and then proceeds to set light to the sleazy artist's flat. And this guy's meant to be the hero? He's an adulterer and an arsonist! What a loser! These things drive me nuts.
While we're at it, let's call up Toni Braxton's video for "Unbreak My Heart". Clearly the song is about someone leaving her, yet for some reason in the video her boyfriend dies. That's really the same thing. Not much chance of him coming back to her, unless of course she only exists in a soap opera.
As if the previous paragraphs aren't enough of a clue that I was off work last week then this should confirm it. The most annoying thing about last week? Answering the phone and having anyone and everyone say, "I don't want to speak to you. I was calling to speak to Lorraine." It was bad enough when Lorraine's friends did this, worse when my friends did it, and just the ultimate humiliation when my parents did it. I'm never answering the phone again. I'm Lorraine's husband, not her PA.
If you ever want a day when you want to see everyone and anyone I recommend not shaving in the morning. Seems to work every time that I do that.
Being honest, the ultimate test of a woman's beauty is how they look in their work uniform. By the way, I married a nurse. (Ladies, stop shaking your heads.)
Hey, Neighbours is still on the TV. Yikes! It is a throwback to the late 1980s, carrying on although no-one cares, a bit like the League Cup. Pity they killed off Madge, as Lorraine's impression of her was her party piece. One day I'll have to write a bizarre thought on "impressions carried out by our wives". There are only two obstacles to this: 1) Most of my male friends aren't married, and 2) The only one who actually does an impression of anyone is my friend Mark's wife Lynda, who does the world's greatest impression of Marge Simpson.
Nothing represents life in Scotland better than going out to play football with your friends on a beautiful late summer night and then waking up the next morning covered in midge bites. (Note for the English: Midges are small insects. Nothing at all to do with Midge Ure.)
Here's a happier throwback than my double-dose-of-depression look back at 1996... In the middle of the night (middle of the night), I go walking in my sleep (I go walking in my sleep), through the valley of fear (valley of fear), to a river so deep (river so deep)... I think I'll need to get Neil Taylor to teach my daughter how to play that on the piano, which she will of course play in her bare feet.
Nice to see a friend of mine post pictures up on the internet of his trip to Boston this week, just a few months after his trip to Chicago. The most interesting place I'm likely to visit this year is Stoke. As I'm sure you can imagine the excitement and anticipation is really building ahead of that. I'll need to dig out the beta blockers from the medicine cabinet before I head down there.
Some unmarried friends of mine have pointed out that this year Big Brother finished the night before The X-Factor began. The same people who have pointed this out think that this is some kind of torture, until I point out that The X-Factor is only on for one night a week. And that's without mentioning that the start of these kind of shows is the best part - top marks to the guy who thought he could sing Spandau Ballet songs and yet didn't even know the words to Gold. Muppet!
(And yes, I'm the same person who drives a seven year-old Vauxhall Corsa which the previous owner clearly floated in a saltwater tank every night. I clearly have no right to call anyone a muppet unless their skin is bright green and they have black strings hanging off their wrists.)
I know I can be a little stubborn sometimes, and I say, a little righteous and too proud (I think this is the last time I write a bizarre thought while having my mp3 player on, for all our sakes).
Have a good week!
Tony
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