2nd January 2006
Hi all,
First and foremost a Happy New Year to all the readers here. I'm tempted to thank you all for your loyalty in coming back again and again by taking you all out for a meal, but unfortunately I don't have any "2-for-1" vouchers for McDonalds right now, so I can't do it at the moment. One day, maybe. (Yes, I know, I'd only need one of the aforementioned vouchers. Forget I mentioned it.)
Well the New Year has seemed to have a strange effect on people. First of all as Lorraine and I were preparing to go out on Saturday night I heard the news about Michael Owen breaking his foot (sorry, "fifth metatarsal" - honestly, had anyone outside of the medical profession heard that term before Beckham broke one of his four years ago?) in Newcastle's game at Spurs. It must have been hard for him (copyright 2004, Louis Walsh) that evening, he could have been enjoying fortune, sunshine and health in Madrid (my guess is it is hard to break a bone in your foot when you can't get a game) and instead he had to go back to snow-covered Tyneside and see in the New Year with his foot in plaster.
With this backdrop what else could go wrong? How about a Sky Sports News "exclusive" interview with him? This supposed exclusive interview featured Owen walking across a car park on crutches, sounding as if he can't believe he's being followed in the circumstances. I would also guess that he was thinking, "Please stop following me. I'd like to try and be able to climb into my ride home with at least a little bit of dignity." As you can tell I enjoyed watching it a lot. In fact I almost thought about recording into onto DVD (but didn't).
Part of the reason that I didn't record it was because I already had the DVD recorder set up to record New Year's Eve's traditional Scottish entertainment, the previously hysterical "Only An Excuse". The programme has become a Scottish institution, as Jonathan Watson imitates a number of high-profile Scottish football personalities and puts an amusing spin on events in the game over the past year. Now maybe it was because I was trying to watch it through the heads of a few people trying to play Star Wars Monopoly, but I found it to be really disappointing. I never thought I'd miss the Martin O'Neill impressions that much, but I did. It didn't help that his successor at Celtic was the recipient of the poorest impersonation of the whole show. Pity, I expected better.
As a matter of fact Lorraine and I ended up getting home at 1.30am. I know we have Chloe with us now, but even in the past few years New Year's Eve has become more and more disappointing. I thought last year was bad as I watched Lorraine Kelly looking well beyond tipsy on ITV's coverage of the New Year celebrations in Edinburgh, but this year that would have been an upgrade in the TV coverage.
Speaking of expecting better, who would want to be related to Sharon Tendler this week? Miss Tendler gave up the single life this week and entered holy matrimony... with a dolphin named Cindy. Now I like dolphins as much as anyone. I've had dolphin calendars, dolphin badges, taken my wife to Theater Of The Sea in Islamorada on our honeymoon and started supporting one sports team purely because they're called the Dolphins (thank goodness I didn't know about Brighton having the same nickname before adopting the Seagull instead), but I would never marry one. In fact I wouldn't have married anything that wasn't a female human being.
(Feel free to insert your own joke along the lines of "No animal would take you" here, I won't be offended.)
Besides anything else (e.g. being ridiculed worldwide for the rest of your life) the idea of marrying a dolphin isn't practical. Try making up a shopping list:
"What do you want for dinner on Tuesday?"
"Fish."
"And on Wednesday?"
"Fish."
"Do you ever eat anything that isn't fish?!"
And on top of everything else the wedding reception could get complicated. Imagine if the most suitable choice of wedding meal involved tuna? Tears before bedtime doesn't even begin to cover the anguish such a choice would cause (if dolphins could sit at a table, that is).
Let's not even mention the topics of vows, exchanging rings, speeches and first dances. By the way, I do know that dolphins can't talk, regardless of how often episodes of "Flipper" used to suggest otherwise. Hold your e-mails, thanks.
Meanwhile Lorraine's maternity leave is going to pass by a little slower than previously, as one of the 687 soap operas she watches has drawn to a close. Family Affairs finished on Channel 5 last week, when among other things one character was able to walk back into the show despite leaving a few months ago to avoid criminal charges. Since she left a policeman has moved into the street the show is set in! How could she walk back in without fear of being arrested? Seemingly criminal charges aren't a problem if you've recently won the lottery. And I thought Eastenders had some implausible storylines. I will now remove my corneas with a cordless screwdriver.
And by the way, for those of you who thought I was getting off quite lightly for being a new Dad, well I've been up today from 4.30am this morning. Doesn't show, does it?
Have a good week!
Tony
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