13th December 2004
Hi all,
It is the time of year again where a lot of readers have a Christmas Dip to survive at work. Yes, I used the word "survive", because I honestly feel that it is something to endure. I hate the things, from both ends of the equation.
First of all let's clarify something - it isn't a matter of me being ungrateful. I'm always thankful to get considerate presents from people who take the time and make the effort to think about what they're getting, even if the cost is minimal. It is when people don't bother making an effort or put any thought into it that it gets on my nerves. When you have a Christmas Dip at work involving people you don't know and they don't know you, well, that's asking for trouble, isn't it?
On a receiving side it is never a good idea to get your hopes up in regard to getting something nice. In my whole working life I've only ever received one nice present via a Christmas Dip, when a girl called Karen got me "The Dilbert Future" and a box of Celebrations (typical of her though - one of the nicest women I've ever worked with). That was five years ago - I've not been so lucky since.
Take for instance the Christmas after I was married. Turns out that someone (and I have a pretty good idea who they were) thought it would be a good idea to be smutty. Oh the innuendo of a torch that you attach to your head! Very funny... only it wasn't at all. Well done for wasting your five pounds. Your present is now in a bin somewhere, unless my brother-in-law still has it (he actually had use for it while he was a mechanic, at least that's what he told me at the time).
I'd go through the list of other presents I have received, but they have all been so uninspiring that I can't actually remember what I've received. Instead let's have a look at what other people in the office have received over the same timespan:
* A Celtic calendar (the recipient was a Rangers fan).
* A Santa thong set from Ann Summers (the recipient was a male colleague).
* A cheque for... ONE MILLION DOLLARS (just kidding, making sure you're still paying attention).
So let's just say that given that kind of track record you would almost welcome receiving a return flight to Singapore as a courier of a small brown parcel instead of opening another set of wrapping paper. Unfortunately participation in both sides of this custom are just about mandatory, so you can't get out of it.
Do you hint about what you'd like? No, it isn't the done thing. If it was I'd put a big sign saying, "I accept HMV vouchers" above my desk. You just have to open the present, put on a fake smile and pretend you like it. Fortunately for me I have a sister-in-law who makes sure I have a lot of practice at this.
Fortunately buying is not such a difficult proposition, especially as I'm a long way past the conscientious stage. What you really need is to draw someone you don't know too well, or even better, someone who you don't really like - that makes things even easier. Then follow three simple rules:
1) Buy something which no one would suspect you of buying.
A few years ago I drew a girl who I didn't know too well. After stupidly asking some guys for tips (and getting suitably stupid responses) I asked someone who knew something about women: my wife.
So the girl I drew got a set of bath salts. Shortly after she opened her present she said, "Well I obviously had a girl buy my present." I couldn't have been happier (well, I could have been at home and not participating, but as I mentioned before, that wasn't an option).
2) Chances to return stupid presents are few and far between - take advantage!
I mentioned the present I was given just after I was married. Well the person who I believe got me that is diabetic. I drew him the year after I got that stupid present, so rather than deliberate over what I should get him I went out and bought him a box of chocolates. Enjoy!
Furthermore because Lorraine is diabetic no one would have suspected me of buying these, so in this instance I also followed the previous rule. I'm trying to avoid blowing my own trumpet about this, as I'm sure there is some David Beckham "Look how clever I was"/"How stupid do I look for admitting that?" potential on my part here. Shall we move on?
3) If in doubt, alcohol is a sure-fire winner.
Our Christmas Dip becomes a ridiculous mess at work. Instead of my boss and I just buying for each other (which would make sense, as there are just the two of us) we combine with a ridiculous amount of departments until we are certain to end up drawing people who we hardly know.
Now it might surprise you to know this, but I don't always want to get people lousy presents. Most people like a drink, so a bottle or two of one of their favourite tipple is always a good idea. It doesn't matter if you don't know what their favourite drink is, as they'll probably mention something between your draw and when you have to get the presents. An additional bonus for me is that because I don't drink people don't guess that I've bought them alcohol. Despite what friends might tell you about my round-buying capabilities I'm not adverse to buying alcohol, after all, I've been doing it since I was seventeen... erm, I mean eighteen. Obviously, eighteen.
Upon thinking about this, had I got the guy who got me the smutty present Chocolate Liqueurs I would have followed all three rules. Why didn't I think of that then?
So think of me this Friday. As I'm sure you can tell, I just can't wait to see what I receive. At least I'm at a stage now where I know what to expect and I can laugh it off somewhat.
(I think I feel a cold coming on.)
Have a good week!
Tony
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