6th December 2004
Hi all,
When I approached my twentieth birthday almost ten years ago I remember a feeling of anticipation. I was looking forward to leaving my teenage years behind me, move past the hard times I remembered and get on with exciting new times in my life.
Fast forward to now and I look back at my teenage years with my friends through the old rose-tinted glasses, glossing over some of the difficulties that we endured individually and thinking everything was fine and dandy. Freedom of teenage years versus the responsibilities you meet in your twenties? No contest. At least not in our memories.
Compare this with the popular opinion that your twenties are great. You're moving on in life, getting your own place, settling down with a special someone, moving on in your career. At least that's the theory. Of all my peers I think I can only think of one of my friends who has had it anything like as straightforward as that, and it hasn't all been plain sailing for he and his other half.
I'm at the Meatloaf "Two out of three ain't bad" stage of things. I love my home, I'm fortunate to have a fantastic wife, but the career isn't what I feel it should be. Most of my peers seem to hover between having one or two of the three things I would really want (besides a large LCD TV on my wall somewhere and a Sky+ box, which I'll gloss over for the sake of keeping this instalment vaguely serious).
Of course that doesn't cover the fact that not everyone wants everything in their twenties. Some of my friends have swapped settling down (and all that goes with it) for travelling, voluntary work and just enjoying themselves. Nice options, ones that I wouldn't have minded going down. Of course these are the same people who are now seeing the lowest rungs on the property ladder being pulled away from them. Fantastic! (At least they don't have to make an acquaintance with a solicitor, so at least they have that going for them.)
In looking at this in the cold light of day I wonder if some of my friends think I'm in a better position than they are. I would say it is a "push" - all of us have things the others would like, for instance I'd love to have the time that Pat does to bid for tat on eBay.
Of course as you get older still your desires change further. It might be kids, flashier cars or additional property. I'm not sure there is a set route for guys these days.
Maybe in this instance women do have it easy? I've always been frustrated when I've met young, intelligent women who don't talk about anything other than getting married and pumping out babies like Heinz produce cans of baked beans. Yep, go ahead, set your sights really high. Why are you going to University again? Why wait three or four years before doing your bit to overpopulate the world? Can I have your answer in a 2500 word thesis please?
Fact of the matter though is no matter what the modern way of thinking is this is still an acceptable path for women to follow. Indeed it is almost more than accepted, it is expected to a degree. Far too many people still use the word "potential" with women alongside the word "mother". Who says Britain is dumbing down?
As irritating as it as a guy sometimes is maybe there is something to be said for women and their communicating with each other. I can't speak for any of my friends, but I know all too often I let things build up inside me without talking about them with anyone. I'm lucky here too - Lorraine is normally pretty good at spotting these times. Other guys aren't so lucky.
This isn't just a stereotype either. A 1998 BBC1 programme on young male suicides found "that men are much less likely to share their worries and seek help". Yep, be a man, stay strong, work things out.
However sometimes working things out means getting help, even if it means showing "weakness". That's where it helps to have good friends - I've got plenty I wouldn't be without. One thing I feel I've learnt in my twenties is that the quantity of friends you have doesn't matter, but the quality of them does. I wouldn't swap my friends for anyone else's.
Personally I find trying to keep a sense of perspective to be pretty helpful. Life goes on, some things really don't matter: opinions of people who you don't like, petty disagreements with people who do like, minor blips in your life... even the major ones pass eventually.
Of course to don rose-tinted glasses at any point you've got to have some good memories. In the course of my twenties I've had local kids ask why I didn't have curtains (after I had moved into my own house). I've had people give me grief over the car I've owned (which only took me to countless corners of mainland Britain). I've had my wife laugh at me when I got soaked with water over dinner (in Spain) and missed throwing change into toll booths (in America).
So in another ten years I could well be looking back and saying about how your thirties are overrated and how my twenties were great (being honest, they haven't been that bad). No doubt there will be other things which bug me and weigh on my mind then. Hopefully something will draw me to write another comparison and make me realise things aren't that bad after all. A bit like this thought really.
(Normal service will be resumed next week!)
Have a good week!
Tony
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