16th December 2002
Hi all,
It's Christmas time, there's no need to be afraid... unless you have a phobia of Volkswagen Beetles appearing in numerous films on ITV over the festive period.
You know it has been a bad year for British sport when a female long-distance runner wins the vote for BBC Sports Personality of the Year.
As anyone who I have ever made or bought a drink for will know, I was "Mr Shake Hands Man" long before "Banzai!" came to Channel 4.
Christmas seems to have been somewhat toned down this year, which I'm glad about personally. I didn't even hear Slade's "Merry Christmas Everyone" until December 6th, which must be a record.
Not what you'd expect, but Real Radio's newsreader Colin Kelly's impression of Fame Academy's David Sneddon is frighteningly accurate.
Interesting things you wish you'd realised earlier in life, no. 276. Your first half-hour at work goes by far more quickly if you're not there (thanks to Scotrail for helping me to learn this).
Remember the freezing toilets at work I mentioned to you a while back? Well thanks to an increasing percentage of female employees that is now the only toilet available to male workers. It's December, and still you find windows open on a regular basis. Do people think we're Eskimos or something?
The toilets at work are so cold that they are probably best suited to Captain Birdseye, and the thought of that reminds me how I loved fish fingers as a child but can't even stand the thought of them now. Is there something in human genetics which makes the thought of some foods repulsive once you hit your teens? Does this happen with anything else, e.g. taste in music? Someone needs to do some research into this.
Speaking of music I definitely picked the wrong week to do a diary on "Popstars: The Rivals", as the week after their final the girls (now known as "Girls Aloud") performed "Sound of the Underground" while skimpily dressed and dancing around their microphone stands. Why not go the whole way and make them dance around ceiling-height metal poles?
A new measure of frustration - going into your desk drawer at work and not being able to find any Peppermint Extra in there. The experience is twice as bad if lunchtime is still more than an hour away.
Here's another Maths question for the future. A man goes into a supermarket and buys eight cans of Red Bull, six bottles of Lucozade, a large jar of Espresso coffee and a packet of 96 Pro Plus tablets. How many hours does it take him to get to sleep? (The answer is "as soon as his head hits the pillow", providing that the man is called Tony Dobson, he hasn't touched any of the aforementioned products and he's been up late watching American sport on Five while his wife is working a nightshift. I know, too much information. Come on the 'Fins!)
I think I've realised why there is so much controversy regarding Cherie Blair and Peter Foster at the moment. You could say that buying one flat in Bristol is unfortunate, buying two flats in Bristol is downright careless. Calm down if you're a Bristolian, I am joking. However what isn't a laughing matter is the claim, "The people who know me well know that I would never want to harm anyone." Why become a lawyer then Mrs Blair?
If a joke is seriously older than someone why does that person have to persist in telling it?
How to sound sophisticated quickly - have an Italian first name. The antidote to this is to have a surname which clearly does not go with the first name, e.g. Riccardo Da Force, Paolo Wanchope, Attilio Dobson (Just kidding. I laugh at how many people seriously think I'll name my children after sporting heroes, or call a daughter "Crystal". Place your bets, but first of all ask yourself "Do I feel lucky?" Chances are you won't be.).
Have a good week!
Tony
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