You didn't think I'd go away and miss the chance to write about The Apprentice did you? Nope, just thought I should leave it until now to do so. Week Three, here's what happened:
9pm - Dah dah dah dah dah dah-da-dah, usual starting titles.
9.02pm - Usual recap of last week's action. The more I see of these candidates the less I think that anyone is any good, although I dare say that Kate won't have to work again in the traditional sense once the show is over.
9.03pm - Half an hour to get ready. Even I'd struggle to get ready in that time, and I'm barely awake when I leave the house most mornings.
Yikes, was that a thong? Is that really necessary on a programme like this?
9.05pm - Time to mix the teams up, no more boys versus girls, which maybe isn't a bad thing. The task this week is, well, frankly I'm not sure. Something to do with fitness I think.
9.10pm - Kate is stuck between Howard and James, which might be the most pathetic sandwich a woman has been stuck in since Stacey got stuck between the ginger father and son combo in Eastenders a few years ago.
9.12pm - Philip is going off on one again. He's my favourite so far, more for the fact that he's moaning Geordie than any other abilities he might have. He was especially funny during the sandwich task last week - "Chicken Tikka!"
9.15pm - Yashmina drops an f-bomb in Debra's direction after some kind of weird debate about people's ethnic backgrounds. Debra's team seem to be falling apart. This is heading towards a typical Apprentice twist where the team who are seemingly doing well end up losing... or not. This programme is past the point of being useful for learning business and is now just watched for the suspense of it.
9.19pm - Uh-oh, Ben isn't keeping this simple. When someone gets a warning like this on the Apprentice it never ends well.
Meanwhile Chloe is suggesting what I should type. I apologise in advance if what I write next makes even less sense than usual.
9.20pm - Mona seems to be audibly struggling with their fitness product. It's official, she's the most aptly named Apprentice contestant ever. Meanwhile Ben should be on the phone with Cadbury to see if they can make a life-sized model of himself made of chocolate, just so he can eat himself.
9.21pm - They're pitching to three different retailers. It's just like the calendar task from whatever series that was. Where's the woman who knew how many cat owners there were in London? She was great, one of my all-time favourites.
9.23pm - Kate is talking about her face. My wife isn't in the room, which is good.
9.24pm - Faithful Sugar-companion Margaret clearly isn't impressed with Ben's arms. I want to see evidence that she isn't Anne Widdicombe's long-lost cousin.
Nick is advised to sport a pose which is "less QVC". They just lost my Mum's custom.
Meanwhile Margaret's male counterpart Nick is taking Debra to task again. Nick and Margaret are almost as indispensible to this show as Alan Sugar at this point.
9.25pm - Need to let Cookie out. Can't I ever watch this show in peace?
9.27pm - Noorul is talking about the muscles being worked by his doing sit-ups on a Body Rocka. I won't repeat it, but it made me queasy.
9.28pm - Kate is presenting again. It's going better than last week, which is a pity because the little-girl-lost act was quite endearing.
9.30pm - Howard looks nervous as he and the other members of his team head to another pitch. If a time machine is ever made I want to go back to watch Howard buying alcohol before his eighteenth birthday. I bet that would have been priceless. He probably couldn't buy any until he was 20 and could grow a bad moustache.
9.31pm - Have just realised that the Home Multi-Tone looks like many of the Design Tech projects that many people did for their GCSE. Not me though. I gave up having to see the infamous Mr Bowen at all when I was 14. Ha!
(I should point it was better that Darren Wiseman's, but then anything could be. Mr Wiseman wasn't particularly gifted... in any way really.)
9.33pm - Yashmina just guaranteed exclusivity for their item. That never ends well. I think Debra just got a lifeline.
9.34pm - Just what do these orders ever mean in The Apprentice? You never see these items in shops, so why do these phantom orders have any value? Oh wait, that's a question you're not meant to ask.
9.35pm - Boardroom time. The more I look at Debra the more I think she only comes out at night.
9.37pm - Philip sticks up for Lorraine. Not very Apprentice-like, but nice to see. Debra's blood appears to be slowly boiling.
9.38pm - And Empire are getting walloped... Ignite, winning with a 10,000 order from John Lewis. Can I take this opportunity to grumble about John Lewis's wedding list service? Nah, I'll just say that you should probably go elsewhere if you're tying the knot and leave it at that. Take it from my personal experience.
9.39pm - Meeting Katherine Jenkins is a prize now? How do I run my own reality TV show again?
9.40pm - James has to be vulnerable, right? Erm, right?
9.41pm - Mona looks blankly at Katherine Jenkins. What a waste.
9.44pm - Maj isn't talking for talking's sake. Howard has been offered a cushion to sit on.
9.46pm - Apparently the whole product sucks. Thanks for that, Sir Alan, glad we got that established.
9.48pm - James offers to bring back Ben and Maj. It has to be James, doesn't it? Doesn't it?
9.50pm - The charges against Maj seem a bit vague, and he defends himself pretty eloquently I'd say.
9.51pm - James turns on Ben, who also defends himself eloquently. James seems to be floundering, it must be him, surely.
9.54pm - James makes the kind of facial gestures that I would think would get any employee in trouble at work. Ben is allowed an early release by Sir Alan, meaning it is between Ben and Maj... and somehow he fires Maj! What?!
9.56pm - "We're not here to carry passengers," says Sir Alan. But bumbling, bad-attitude carrying, muppets like James are okay!
9.58pm - One job, twelve candidates, one new irrational favourite... the search for Sir Alan's apprentice continues!
Have a good week!